Getting A Passport Photograph in a Mall

So here is the deal people, I needed a passport sized photograph for (surprise, surprise) renewing my outdated and somewhat half incinerated passport. However, the local Chemists, who usually I would go to, to get a nice photo taken were closed due to it being the Lunch hour. Slight panic and nausea. What do I do?

After sipping my half cup of golden Yogi tea, I realised that the only probable solution would be to go to (what you Americas call) a Mall (or a shopping centre, as it is known in the UK). Yet another problem stood in my path, how would I get there? Upon a moment's reflection of all the wide range of transport available in the UK, out of the choice of a bus or bike, I chose instead to go in a friend's car.

I arrived in the Mall at approximately 4:00pm to look for the little machine that automatically takes your photos and prints them out in 60 seconds. My eyes adapted by widening 5 millimetres to cope with the extra stress of attempting to find a needle in a gaystack (note: the gay is intentional). I found it! It was lodged in a little corner, a dreary place where no one would look unless they absolutely needed to.

I peered into it and ironically someone who I knew was inside having their picture taken too. I waited outside, as any gentlemen would do until the machine was vacant. My friend got out and I was driven to ask "How much does it cost?", the reply was "3 Pounds and 50". That was a rip off, since it was the exact amount I earned in a week. I had no choice however, I needed a passport photograph and fast too.

I entered the space ship like capsule, that was really a highly adapted computer given plastic surgery, a facelift and some liposuction, and I sat in an upright position as I attempted to read the VDU (Visual Display Unit for those of you who lack cognitive depth). It said simply, "Insert £3.50" aided by a women's computerised voice. I did as it asked of me. Upon looking down at the arcade-like control panel I noticed something strange, there were foreign glyphs printed next to each of the button which I could not seemingly understand.

By now it was too late to get my money refunded, I had been conned. I had fallen victim to commercialism and globalisation. The glyphs were Japanese, not Arkanian (a rare Alien breed), and the whole concept of a photo box (as I like to call it) was a sham. In total the box allowed me to take 3 photos and forced me to choose one. However, the curtain was as about as long as a retro miniskirt, which in this case fell too short. What a shame. Furthermore, due to the ambience, coupled with the redness of the flash, I was not only temporarily visually impaired but also the photos showed by eyes as been bright red.

There was a number of possiblities that could be reached as to why this occured. The first is that if we take the premise "The Camera Never Lies", then it would seem to suggest that I am in fact intrinsically evil. However, I would not accept this because it is an absurd suggestion (cough). Another thoery that had been suggested was that the poor quality of the printer coupled with the lack of curtain inquisitive depth caused this effect. Again however, I cannot accept this, since the curtain was as closed as it could be and also the photo box was made by the Japanese (zero defects, except in their genes). I have therefore been forced to reach the conclusion that "The Camera Lies and is Evil". This is the only logical solution to a widely accepted problem.

The question still remains, is it really so hard these days to get a passport sized photograph? The answer is a conditional Yes, if in fact you try to get one on a weekday at lunchtime and live in the UK which lacks both transport and transport routes, which in other countries are taken for granted. Remember this and you shall avoid the pain and agony that I experienced. I simply wish that it happens to no one else (I am therefore justified in suing the company and claiming emotional and physical damages). The advice I can give is "If in doubt, ask" (what has that got to do with anything in this inquisitive hand blog post?). Good day my rodents who live in a cage.

A New Meaning to Your Life

I ask you an old age and highly cliche question, "What is the meaning of life?". Hmm. I can't hear you...what did you say? Ohh..you don't know. What a shame. Well let me give you a few ideas:

• Eating to Death after coming off the Atkins
• Meeting the Buddha himself in sheer meditation
• Meeting Death herself (note: not himself)
• To live a life of Pop and Rock'n'Roll dude
• To die a natural and highly warped death (your face is warped)
• To do nothing and rot in Hell fire
• To smoke and not outlive a moth lacking wings

I do know what the REAL meaning of life is, however, it is a very subjective question for us all. For different people it means different things. But let me give you an insight into my version anyway. So here she goes...the meaning of life is (he pauses, hesitates slightly with a slight lip quiver) ...(a sudden silence floats in the wind, and as his mouth opens, he shouts)...HAPPINESS!

All actions we do are to either earn more money, help someone out (yeah right!) or fulfill our pleasures and dreams. But for what? In the end, even if we don't realise, we crave happiness. For everyone therefore, the meaning of life should be to achieve a state of everlasting happiness. This is what religion is meant to do, however, has failed to do so. I don't believe in God...no...no...I instead wish to know God. The only way that a person can achieve the meaning of life is through loving the Creation of God and eventually, when a person sees God in everyone and everything, then they have achieved a state of bliss. Wonderful bliss forever. Religion was made to help people realise that there is only One God and so everyone should treat everyone else equally in all respects, but nowadays, people bomb each other and kill each other off like little rats on morphine.

It's a bit like that song by Black Eyed Peas called "Where is the Love" (one of my favourites) which perfectly shows what is missing from this Earth. The fundamentalist Christians in Bible belt America seem to feel that they own God...and if you ever talk with them they shall listen to your views and say to you, "Who is your God?". After a thousand times I attempt to explain that there is One God but they refuse to listen, instead believing that only they may believe in God. Fine! Let them continue to believe, whilst I'll continue my quest to know. Anyone can believe in anything, like I may believe that I am the President of America, but that doesn't make it so (uncontrollable cough). However, through meditation, serving the Creation and selfless service to the community anyone can know God because "God is woven into the fabric of the Creation".

There is a beautiful analogy to explain all this...bear in mind that we are living in a matrix world...where materialism is rife and which often hides the true meaning of our very existence:

When you look into the horizon, you see two things...the wave and the ocean. The ocean is endless. The wave doesn't realise how vast the ocean really is, it is unaware of its beauty and extent. Many waves shall crash and never realise. Few waves shall become aware of the vast ocean, and when they crash they shall become the ocean and forever be in bliss. Oh mortal, be that wave which realises the Truth, otherwise life without meaning is death without happiness.

If that didn't make any sense, then take the Ocean to be God and the Wave to be us humans and then read it again. Many people often ask me, "If God exists, why doesn't he show himself?". I smile. "Have you looked at the sky? The stars. The amazing forests and mountains and animals?", I reply. People will always be in doubt, heck, I'm most probably the biggest hypocrite of them all because my brain (or lack of) is always filled with uncertainties. But at least if we know the meaning of life then we can do something to try and achieve it, whether that is meditation or finding a new religion or simply having a secret meeting with Neo on the M51.

Questions will still remain however. Like, "Why there is so much suffering in the world if God is all loving?" and, "Who created God?". I shall cover these questions over time. But for now, "I think (I'm gonna stop writing), therefore I am". May we all achieve bliss my little petals...may we all.

Incitement to Religious Hatred

As you all should know by now (I only found out yesterday), the Public Order Act 1986 is being extended to make it an offence to incite Religious Hatred (I already see trouble brewing). But what does this really mean? The Home Office website attempts to explain the Act (the word to focus on is 'attempts') but still I remain somewhat mystified as to what this really means, because from what I've gathered this new law seems to be a load of horse's testicles (in the kindest possible way to the horse), which is providing our police with uncessesary powers.

Is the Order implying that if I make a religion in which the meaning of life is cannibalistic: to eat 300 humans, and then if someone begins to swear at me on the street and calling my religion names and begins to urinate on me as I try to walk away, then those people shall be inciting religious hatred against me and can be arrested? How odd and a shame on the people that have to spend 7 years in prison because I as a follower of religion should be protected from such people (sarcasm).

The Order claims that the following people could be arrested:

Individuals and members of extremist and racist organisations and parties who stir up hatred of groups defined by their religious beliefs. Also, religious extremists who stir up hatred against members of other religions.

What I would like to know is what is the difference between an extremist and a person who likes to fully use their powers of freedom of speech? I say this because the Home Office claims that the following situations are not covered by the new legislation:

Criticising the beliefs, teachings or practices of a religion or its followers; for example by claiming that they are false or harmful;

Consider this situation. I am a person who wishes to find a flaw in a so called "religion" and so I find that Christianity, Islam and all other faiths are not only untrue, they are also going to be the cause of the end of human existence. I am the only person which knows this and in order to tell the world of my findings, I am forced to preach what I consider to be the Truth by only using my freedom of speech. However, the rest of the world (because everyone believes in the same lie and perceives that lie as truth) is against me and accuses me of religious incitement. Now what would the law do in this situation?

If the law arrests me then they have not done justice because they are then guilty of stopping me from saving the world and have also took away my birth right to the freedom of speech. Also, they have arrested me on false grounds because as far as I am concerned, I was only using the full extent of freedom of speech which the people grossly misinterpreted as incitement. If however the law does not arrest me then what reflection is this on that law? I'll tell you! It tells us that this law is about as useful as a rat on ASBOs.

The following questions are raised and remain unanswered by this law:

• If everyone believes in a fallacy, does it make it the Truth? Surely the Act is based on individual judgment of what can be considered to be extreme and the law could be guilty of defending a set of beliefs over another set of beliefs, which is not the purpose of justice
• Why should anyone get to decide how extremism differs from freedom of speech?
• The law has been made in the attempt to patch a loophole in the system whereby Sikh and Jews are protected from religious incitement but Christianity and Islam are not. However, is this law not creating a whole new loophole of its own by creating a conflict between freedom of speech and by attempting to define an extremist?
• Why should a government intervene in regulating so called "religious incitement" when the very cause of this incitement is the freedom of speech?
• I can predict that the introduction of this law is going to create more problems than it will solve. If this is so then what is the point of introducing this law in the first place?
• Religion is really only a set of beliefs. In the same way I could believe that the world is flat but it does not make it so. The truth is that some so called "religions" deserve to be eradicated from this Earth because they cause only war, destroy innocent people, are only concerned with profit margins and destroy our basics freedoms of life which so many have died to protect

However, I can see that the law was introduced in good faith but it still remains one of those "grey" legislations that needs to be torn apart and recycled. Also, I cannot answer these questions, partly because I cannot be bothered to, but at least the issue is out in the open and I hope that our government shall clarify it, which they currently do not have a track record of doing (like...at all) and I hope that the government shall do justice, if to no one else, then at least the horse that has been disgraced at the beginning of this article. Good day my fellow feathery ferrets.

Smoking Kills Your Family Tree

Ever heard of that white little stick that you put up your hole, I mean, in your mouth? Well, consider this statement, "People who smoke are the most intelligent people in the world". Yeah right! If you believe that, you'll believe that my great grandfather was a nepal terrorism terrorist who knew martial arts including wing chung and created an inquisitive hand blog blogger, much like this one in 1788 before computers even existed.

People who smoke and for that matter, people who drink alcohol too, are about as intelligent as a nepal rat who was intelligent enough to be captured, gagged and who is as a result suffering side effects of visual impairment and diarrhea. Common now general public (that's you), get real and get with the times. You are killing you, your family, your in-laws, your children (if you're stupid enough to have any) and are doing the equivalent of digging their graves, polishing their headstones, hiring the undertaker and buying a coffin from your local Co-op.

Now let me prove to you why I make such a radical and somewhat explosive allegation. By smoking and drinking you are doing the following:

• Killing you and axing down your whole generation of family trees, as we've established
• The effects of reducing your stress and calming you down are only temporary and besides the after effects of lung cancer, hangovers, reduced eyesight, not being able to run or talk without wheezing like a decapitated Dog without legs surely outweigh the temporary sense of pleasure you experience
• Smoking and drinking costs money and what is money? Mo-ney is Hon-ey...Ok? For those of you don't do business studies money is a piece of paper that has some value and you use it to exchange for goods and services. The more of this paper you have, the more you can buy. However, if you have more money going out of your pocket than is coming in then we give this a special name "bloody debt". If you want to stay in debt and want to be homeless then fine carry on drinking and smoking whilst I'll be investing for long term
• Smoking and drinking are the acts of under developed countries (That's a bit of a sweeping statement, what about Japan and USA then?) and barbaric nations (Ok so USA is but what about Japan?) that would rather eat anything in sight including drinking a snake's blood (Ok so that takes Japan also out of the picture but an undeveloped country cannot afford to buy drink or smoke, in fact, they are one's who are being forced by more powerful nations to mine for the raw materials that go into ciggies like tar, urine and uranium)

Now let me offer you a solution to your problem. Replacing the ciggies and alchy with Kundalini Yoga will have the following effects:

• Yoga is taught at all local and national sports centres and the last time I checked it was like £5 for an hour session per month which is far less than ciggies or alcohol
• The only side effects are positive ones including a increased life expectancy, control and a glowing face (Note: the face will shine bright orange by default, but if you would like another colour like red or green then please consult your Yoga teacher who will give you a pointer in the wrong direction)

And so my point is proven, improve your health, increase your wealth and improve your stealth (some Kundalini Yoga experts can do some weird stuff like walking through walls, OBEs, NDEs, contacting their alien counterparts in a different galaxy, traveling around the universe, running on water, levitating, seeing into the future, past and present..So be warned these are the forces of good). And once more we have come to an end of a great discussion and reached our conclusion, now it is for you to decide whether you wish to live or die. Good luck my piglets and lab rats.